Screw Everything, I have money
by Longrod Von Hugen Dong
Summary: Kaiba's auto biography. Funny. Very funny. Based on info from Little Kuriboh. The rest I made up, At least I think. The Aeris thing I made up. I think. I would of remembered to add a works cited area, but I am looking for a job and I am stressed out.


Screw Everything! I have money.

By Seto Kaiba

Over the course of my life, I have seen many things, done many things, smelled many things, eaten many things, said many things, and killed many things. Hopefully this book will shed some light on me, Seto Kaiba!

Chapter 1: Early Life.

Before I was rich, I was a child. My brother Mokuba and I were sent to live in an orphanage, for I had fired our parents, and didn't have any money. This posed as a problem for many reasons, one being I couldn't screw the rules. My little Brother who we would later call "Shut Up" Mokuba,

was the target of bullies. I would come to his defense, because when you or someone in your family is being picked on by orphans, you know you've hit rock bottom. The nuns didn't like it when we fought, and I was put in the Dorm for a week. It looked bleak, but then a billionaire named Oscar Wilde adopted me and my little brother. As I grew up, I noticed how addicting children's card games were. My father, being a saint, bought me every card he could find. Thanks to him I have one of the best decks in the world. One day he brought home three cards, these would become my trademark. These cards were the Blue-Eyes White Dragon. They were symbols of power. I would later find out that only four of these existed. I treated them with care. I had some replicas made in case I lost one. I still have yet to use any of the replicas. I learned in my obsession with these cards I learned skills that would stick with me the rest of my life. What Mr. Wilde didn't teach me I taught myself, Which made my father even more proud. He taught me the game, and how to get cards that weren't for sale. I taught myself how to seek out these cards. From a vague description I could determine what card anyone was talking about. When I started school I was somewhat of a loner. I was the only one who would read books. I would rarely participate in card games with the other children, because they had horrible decks and even worse strategy. I had skill, they did not. I refused to waste my time dueling them.

That is, until someone challenged me, and when I refused, said I probably didn't know how to play. I was furious. I changed my answer to a yes, and told everyone in the classroom I could wipe the floor with their sorry asses any day. I shuffled my deck, I drew my hand, and I waited for him to make a move. Since I was a main character, I could cheat. I summoned all three of my Blue-Eyes', and unleashed hell. No one ever made the mistake of insulting me skills would come in handy about a month later. My father sent me to a public school so I would be the absolute best at everything, (In comparison to other children) and I was better then the others. A month after humiliating the moron who had the guts to insult me, a private school challenged our school to a children's card game. This town was very children's card game centered, so it was totally not lame.

The school voted me in for the card game. Because I am a main character, I won, but the duel was hard, it had to be, how else would we hook an audience. I won using the Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon, which as anyone might of guessed, I cheated to summon.

Chapter 2: Inheritance

My father left for reasons unknown when I was 15, leaving me all his money and assets. Finally I could screw the rules again! My first act as C.E.O. Of KaibaCorp was to bribe a politician, who would then pass a law that allows the rich to be acquitted of all crimes, and to be immune from future crimes. I would have to find the right politician, one who was so despicable, that he would accept the bribe. Who is this despicable politician? John McCain. I could now screw everything, I had money,

I could steal the statue of liberty, and not get in trouble. I used this time to plot out multiple crimes.

One day at school I heard a child with ridiculous hair talking about a rare card. Thanks to my skill of seeking out rare cards from vague descriptions, I knew it was the Last Blue-Eyes White Dragon.

I had to have it. I tried bribing the old man, but he wouldn't sell, Then I kidnapped the old man, and dueled him into submission using my new KaibaCorp Duel Monster Holographic generator™.

I then called the boy who's name would be one that I remembered for the rest of my life. Yugi.

In front of him I tore up the Blue-Eyes, and gave it back, both things that I shouldn't of done, I could've kept it, I should of kept it. Yugi proceeded to beat me in a duel. If I had won, I would've continued my criminal career, but instead, I obsessed over the loss. I left "Shut up"Mokuba in charge, which in hindsight, was very stupid. A man named Pegasus had his goons take over, and while I was restructuring my deck, I was attacked by these very same goons. I grabbed my briefcase and jumped out the window. They thought I died. They were not a very bright bunch, as I stole a helicopter, to get to Pegasus' castle. One of my helicopters no less. They had given my deck to a gay clown posing as a ghost me. Yugi killed the gay clown, and returned my deck to me. I had coincidently landed in the area they were in, which is where I got my deck back. Yugi's friend Joey dueled me, which gave me the perfect opportunity to test my portable duel monster holographic generator.™After that minor inconvenience, I broke into Pegasus' castle, and attempted to Rescue my little brother. I was caught. But instead of imprisoning me, he gave me a glove with 2 star chips, and told me to earn ten more, I did so by beating Yugi in a duel, and took his. I lost to Pegasus, who sealed away my soul. After Yugi rescued my little brother, who had suffered the same fate I had, I escaped the chains. I am the only character in the show who doesn't need to be rescued.

Chapter 3. My Tournament.

I opened a tournament, in which everyone had to the impossible, they had to play Duel Monsters by the rules. This was only mildly successful, but it said something. I had an Egyptian God card. I was unstoppable. Or so I thought. There was a day when I had to work with my rival, to make people follow the rules. The tournament was fought with KaibaCorp's new DUEL DISK SYSTEM©

This was easier to carry then the Portable Duel Monster holographic generator, and was more suited to the game, it had slots for all the cards, and worked like a duel monster holographic generator.

Still, I lost the tournament, but learned a valuable lesson. There is more to life then card games.

Chapter 4. Women I have known

After the tournament I went through a series of withdrawals. I quit eating, sleeping and bathing, Then One day I told my self "Kaiba, there is more to life then children's card games." I think I always knew this. That's why I kept losing to Yugi. So I decided to get laid. It was easy. I memorized the Karma Sutra and went to a bar. It was there I met Pornstar Barbie.

We clicked, it was so, real. We went out over the next few months. She was my trophy. When ever Yugi beat me in a card game, I'd walk off with her, and he'd just stare. I made the mistake of proposing, she left me. I vowed never to get married. A month later I used this story to get into the Pants of Tèa, Yugi's love interest. We had a month of steaming hot sex. All of which I taped and sent to Yugi, to say "You are a loser. Now cry". After all of Tèa's friendship speeches, I had to dump her. They were so annoying. You try listening to them for THREE HOURS!!! I then slept with Sarah Palin, which came as a shock to me because she is Mrs. Family values, and Mrs. Anti premarital sex. That and I supported Obama during the election. It was a three way with her daughter. Good day, good day. Three months later I started dating Mai Valentine, a lady with HUGE... Amounts of knowledge. We stayed together for a while. In fact every once in a while we "get together", if you know what I mean. After that relationship ended, I started dating a women named Aeris Gainsborough. Aeris was a tricky one, she and I were sleeping together almost immediately, we lasted 7 months. 2 dating, 5 married.

Aeris tricked me into marrying her in Las Vegas, I was drunk, she took advantage of me. The next morning was odd. I woke up to find Aeris, with her arm across my chest, as usual, but then I noticed her hand, It had a ring, a wedding ring, I looked at my hand, It too had a wedding ring. I screamed. I didn't know what else to do. To this day I can't remember getting married, I have the tape and paperwork, but, That area is a total blank. She was going to announce it (To her friends) after she shut down her business. But a man named Sephiroth killed her. It was not good P.r. to allow him to get away with this. People knew she was my wife(except her friends) because she began introducing herself as Aeris Kaiba to most people she met. She didn't tell her friends, who seemed to think she was single, I must say I hated her friends, the one time I met Cloud, I knew he was a bad egg. I had to do something to save my reputation.

I hired a hitman to kill Sephiroth, A hitman I could trust not to tell anyone who had hired him. Soon I was single and dating again, I dated Princess Zelda and Peach for a while, but that ended. Aeris was my last serious relationship.

Chapter 5. End

Wrapping up, I should tell you that I would go on to meet Captain Jean Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise. I continued to do great things. One day I looked at my jet and said thats boring. Then It hit me! Why not build a build a jet that looks like a Duel Monster? I had my engineers get to work on it immediately. It had to be beautiful, yet deadly. It would have 4 .50 caliber machine guns.

6 stinger missiles. and seating for 10. It would be the scourge of the airways. It was quickly built, and the army adapted it shortly after. It was one of my many achievements. I hope you enjoyed reading about my life as I did living it, and continue to live it. But in the end you must know this. I don't care about you and you just wasted your time!


End file.
